i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
