Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
