I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Will you blow on my dice?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
