Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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