So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm passing your future prison.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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