Plan B is the new Plan A
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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