I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
