Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
