I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
