i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
