I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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