dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
