I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
