I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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