It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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