I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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