He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
