Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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