That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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