Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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