he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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