im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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