he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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