Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My hand turned me down
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
