drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
