what day is it and did you see me today?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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