Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
