I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
