Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
