I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
