Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
