i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
