I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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