Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
