I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
