Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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