i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
meet me or not, i'm out of control
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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