So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
