I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
