What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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