i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
