Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
