Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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