Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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