Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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