I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
