you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So many bounce houses so little time
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
