one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
