me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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