Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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